What if Leeds Krav Maga told you that you had been deceived all you life? What if we told you that Self Defence is easy? That Martial arts classes are a waste of time and that only 10 very simple techniques could save your life?
The Martial Arts industry doesn’t want you to know this. They want you to waste your time learning “skills” and honing your “instincts” to make you avoid situations that are dangerous and have a simple and effective style that covers a multitude of attacks and works in many situations. Well we at Leeds Krav Maga call bullshit on that. Below is my list of the 10 techniques that will destroy the corrupt martial arts industry and ensure that no one is ever attacked again, ever*.
Let’s read on..
1. Tearing your opponents still beating heart out
This is the last thing they will expect so we are totally utilising the element of surprise here. As your attacker throws a rear hay-maker punch, meet it with a strong outside defence. Instead of pissing about by using instinct and throwing an immediate aggressive series of strikes to vulnerable areas then transitioning into clinch 1, simply drive your fingers through their skin, pectoral muscles, rib cage and past the lungs to grab their heart. You will know it is the heart as it will be pumping roughly once every second. Once you have a strong grip on the Heart pull on it, hard, and remove it from the rib cage. It is important at this stage to show it to your opponent then take one clear bite from it to horrify them before they collapse and die, IF YOU DO NOT DO THIS THE TECHNIQUE WILL NOT WORK! This is a perfectly appropriate and effective way of defending yourself should you find yourself in a disagreement over say a parking space or who should be served next at the bar.
2. Nostril Defence to Multiple attackers
You have found yourself cornered by two or more opponents and have no option but to fight. As the most immediately threatening attacker approaches you need to quickly deliver a groin kick, then burst forwards through his defence with arms raised ready to transition into the clinch. From here we are going to use a “hooking” motion with our index and middle finger (DO NOT USE ANY OTHER FINGERS, THIS IS CRUCIAL!), Use them to “Fish Hook” your attackers nostrils. From here you should begin to pivot on your lead leg and spin your attacker around. Whilst he is on the end of your fingers you can use gravity to your advantage and spin faster and faster, using centrifugal force to spin him around and use him as an actual improvised weapon to beat our other attackers with. This is a simple, easy to learn and effective technique which I typically employ in crowded areas. Black Friday Sales would be perfect for this.
3. The rear naked naked
Your attacker has thrown a linear attack such as a jab or cross. Being nimble you have performed your inside defence and burst forwards to find yourself in a perfect position to deliver counter strikes to vulnerable areas and send your attacker packing – DO NOT DO THIS. Instead, quickly work your way behind your attacker and in a perfect position to perform the rear naked choke – DO NOT DO THIS. Instead remove all of your clothes as quickly as you can. When your attacker turns around and is horrified by your nakedness, proceed to chase him up the street, thrusting your groin towards him and making Whooping noises – HIGHLY EFFECTIVE.
4. The quit hittin’ yourself
A simple yet fantastic way of not only injuring your opponent but also demoralising him and thus saving scores of future people from becoming victims also. Your attacker has attempted to choke you with both hands and is driving you back. Throw one hand up high to break their grip on your neck then turn yourself offline and drop the same arm down like a guillotine to “chop” at both arms simultaneously. At this point it is imperative to grab both of the attackers wrists and forcefully redirect their hands back towards their own face causing significant damage. You must control your breathing to get these strikes right so repeat the mantra of “Quit hitting yourself, Quit hitting yourself” for maximum effectiveness. Repeating “Why are you hitting yourself?” must be avoided at all costs as it may prompt your attacker to search inwardly for meaning and realise that, despite your clever deceit, he is actually not hitting himself and it is you who is clearly delivering the blows, this would render the technique totally ineffective.
5. Preemptive defence to verbal assault
There are occasions when striking first is an absolute must. To protect your life it is sometimes necessary to allow an attacker to get the first blow in. Defence from Mental injury is just as important as physical injury and verbal attacks should be treated just as seriously if not more so (bruises heal mental scars don’t), so before someone is able to talk smack about you, you must launch a pre-emptive attack and stop the threat. The actual technique is demonstrated in the video below by an advanced Leeds Krav Maga practitioner.
The timing is key for this preemptive defence, you need to wait until the exact moment their mouth is wide enough to attack. Vowels are our best shot i.e. “What are you looking a-” BAM we launch our defence. The aim is drive the arm down our attackers trachea quickly to reach the source of the threat – the larynx. From here we simply grab hold and remove it in one fluid motion, disengage and escape before they can find any surface on which to write a linguistic attack or slur.
6. Phone as an improvised weapon to defend bottle attack
Bottle attacks are becoming more and more common and as such we must tailor our defences and force the attackers to fear their victims, this technique is an example of how I have managed to modify techniques to achieve this.
As your attacker advances and swings the bottle, we are going to remove our phone very quickly, unlock it using your passcode or thumbprint ID, swipe to settings, turn the flash on your camera on, return to the main menu, select camera, line up the shot and take a photo of the bottle. The cylindrical glass shape of the bottle will act as a perfect beacon and refract the light in all directions dazzling your opponents and giving you chance to flee. IMPORTANT NOTE: You must post the photo that you have taken onto the Leeds Krav Maga instagram page in the same night or this technique will not work!!
7. Simple Knife defence
A simple defence against a knife attack is grasp the blade as hard as you can and drive the handle of the knife back and into the crotch of the attacker. We are relying on the fact that your typical attacker doesn’t spend time sharpening his blades, he just sticks people with the pointy end, however if you are in doubt it is a great idea to ask the attacker how sharp the knife is and stare at it with dangerous intent all the way through the interaction until the moment you grab it. He will be so stunned by your focus on his knife that he will have no clue what you are about to do.
8. Handgun Defence
Handgun attacks in the U.K. are thankfully, rare. Which is fortunate for us as the technique we use is remarkably simple to defend against a handgun.
Whatever position you find yourself in you must manoeuvre yourself right in front of the handgun, directly in the line of fire. Start to antagonise your antagonist with suggestions of his manhood being of a below average size and comments about him generally not having the minerals to pull the trigger. It’s important that we get him to discharge his weapon at us, as soon as he pulls the trigger, quickly raise your hand and block the barrel of the gun with your index finger. This will cause a comic “blowback” effect in which the gun discharges in his direction! Voila! No more bad guy.
9. Easiest Blunt weapon attack
Any idea what the hardest part of your body is? If you said the top of your head, you’re right. So why do so called “self defence” instructors preach about trying to defend against attacks with blunt weapons by using your arms?! This technique is stupid simple, as the attacker swings the weapon at you bend forward at the hips and present them with the top of your head as a target. As the weapon breaks harmlessly over your head you will be left with an opening, in which to perform any of the other techniques listed above, as they reel in shock. I suggest the rear naked naked or the Nostril defence.
10. Homer Simpson style
If you’ve ever watched an episode of the Simpsons then you will know what an accomplished combatant Homer San is. In a particular episode, Homer San is teaching his young Grasshopper Bart about unarmed combat. In his wisdom he quotes the words:
“Homer: First, you gotta shriek like a woman and keep sobbing until he turns away in disgust. That’s when it’s time to kick some back. And then when he’s lying down on the ground… ”
“Homer: Kick him in the ribs.”
“Homer: Step on his neck.”
“Homer: And run like hell.”
Sagely advice, there is an additional nugget of self defence gold in that sequence too where Bart recalls an instance of Homer Sans combat prowess:
“Bart: Remember when Tom had you in that headlock and you screamed, “I’m a hemophiliac!” and when he let you go, you kicked him in the back?”
There we have it, 10 techniques that the martial arts industry doesn’t want you to know.
I leave it to you to use these techniques at your discretion. Remember that while simple and completely satirical these techniques are very powerful and should be used with extreme caution.
Leeds Krav Maga
*Please don’t actually use any of these, that would be dumb..